But seriously, if you have the time, read it and tell me what you think of everything. I feel like I need to talk about it.
I’m having so many conflicting thoughts with men and relationships (I say “men” and not “people” because I seem to very seldom have an opportunity to even flirt with girls, let alone be involved enough to be conflicted).
Here’s the lowdown (for convenience and privacy, we will number these men):
1) I was madly in love with this man. He unfortunately lives 10 hours away. We recently celebrated the 1st anniversary of when we started dating, despite being separated for parts of that time. We currently are back together and have an open relationship, but have talked about things not feeling the same. I’m nearly certain this relationship is coming to an end, and it’s devastating, because I had every intention of marrying this man. He’s still the best man I know, but it just doesn’t feel like home anymore; I feel like I’ve lost everything, losing that feeling. He loves me unconditionally, and he’s so understanding of everything. He just wants me to do whatever will make me happy, even if it means I’m not his. The fact that he’s so wonderful about everything makes it even harder to let him go.
2) He is the reason I first ever doubted my relationship with man 1. I was drawn to him and that confused me. We tried things, and it didn’t feel quite right to me. I love him to bits - he’s my best friend - but a relationship just wouldn’t seem to fit. I, being human, have faltered a few times since I made this decision, and have fooled around with him, and I feel awful about it because it makes him even more attached. I know he is in love with me, so I do try to be clear about my intentions. But I know I’ve still hurt him.
3) I work with him. We have a similar style and he’a also an artist. While I was still in a monogamous relationship with man 1, he had a fling with another girl at work, but it didn’t work out and he vented to me about it. When I broke up with man 1, he invited me over and let me sleep in his bed while he slept on the floor, so I wouldn’t have to be alone while I cried. He was very sweet. He later flirted with me like crazy, but then stopped talking to me for a while, which I later found out was because he was flinging with the other girl from work again. He has since apologized for being an ass, and asked me for another chance. He flirts like crazy still and is often very affectionate through texts, but doesn’t seem to want to hang out - I can’t tell whether he’s nervous about it, or just isn’t interested. Very frustrating.
4) While man 3 had stopped talking to me, I met this man. We instantly clicked, especially on a physical level, and fooled around about a week later. The second time we were fooling around, he raped me. I couldn’t do much about it because I was consensually fooling around with him and had just said no to sex. But I know that he could easily convince people otherwise. I gave up on saying no and eventually said fine, mostly to appease myself and stop feeling so violated - I just tried to trick myself into being okay. I wasn’t. He still flirts with. I’m frustrated, because even though I hate what he did to me, the feelings I developed for him before it happened aren’t gone. That kills me.
5) I met him at my old job, before I knew any of the other 4 men. I was instantly drawn to him. We understand each other, even though neither of us make sense at all to most people. He’s on my level intellectually, which is hard for me to find (not to be conceited, it’s just true). He’s hilarious, and sweet, and insanely protective of me. I’ve never told him that I even liked him at all, because I know he has incredibly high standards, and I don’t feel like I’m good enough to meet them. To be honest, I would probably drop everything for him. I’ve just never felt that I had a chance.
I needed to vent that.
If anyone has any insight, feel free to message me.